The Misadventures of Bilbo Baggins
by PhantomZebra
Summary: ... also Parody. The story of The Hobbit is all deranged and twisted and changed and stuff...I suck at summaries...I BEG OF YOU TO REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1:Bilbo meets Gandalf and Thorin

The Adventures of Bilbo Baggins

Chapter 1

Things happen which are odd

Bilbo Baggins is a Hobbit. He lives in his Hobbit Hole in the Shire, and he is very happy. Hooray for Bilbo. One day, the wizard Gandalf the Grey comes and knocks on his door. Bilbo opens it, and stares at the wizard.

"Ey man, wacha doin' man?" Asks Gandalf, giving Bilbo a flower lea to wear.

"Y-You must be Gandalf the Grey! I…never knew…you were…Jamaican…" Bilbo muttered, genuinely frightened. You see, Bilbo is rather paranoid, because he's scared that I, the writer, will kill him. But…uh…No way…I would never…heh…SO! So Bilbo invites Gandalf in.

"Some of mah peeps be comin' ova, man." Says Gandalf.

"Ummm…Ooookay…" Says Bilbo, getting Gandalf some tea. When Bilbo returned, he saw his house crammed with Dwarves.

"AHHHHH!" Says Bilbo, for as I said he is paranoid. He cowered under the table as the dwarves robbed him of all food available.

"Ey man, dis meh pal." Said Gandalf.

"Greeting, I am Thorin Brokenshield." Says one of the dwarves, whose shied is broken in half and poorly taped back together.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…" Said Bilbo.

"WE need a burglar to come with us and reclaim Lonely Mountain from the dragon Smaug. Gandalf says you are the one." Thorin said.

"Well, alright then. As long as we're home before second breakfast I-"

"It may take weeks." Said Thorin.

"Oh…Well…Alright then…" Said Bilbo fussily.

"Ey man, maybe something good happen, and you gets a RING O POWA', man. Hint hint." Said Gandalf.

"Perhaps!" Said Bilbo.

"But Gandalf, there's THIRTEEN of us now! That's a very unlucky number!" Cried Thorin.

"Yes, but we must rely on sources more powerful than our own." Said Gandalf. HINT HINT.

"Yes, perhaps we shall find someone to aid us in our quest maybe perhaps." Said one of the dwarves, HINT HINT.

"Maybe we'll find them in the Misty Mountains!" Suggested Bilbo. HINT HINT!

"Then let's go." Said Thorin Brokenshield, and led the way.


	2. Chapter2:Bilbo meetsHENRY and falls down

In Which Bilbo is Confused

Disclaimer-Heck no, Bilbo isn't mine! I wish! Neither is anyone else other than Ronhang, for that matter! So there! Also my friend Henry, whom I put in every story. He's a goblin this time snicker. And Bilbo's Never-Ending-Song was written by my friend Fire Ice and Darkness.

Bilbo set out with Thorin Brokenshield and the other dwarves, marching along. Bilbo was very VERY tired. Being rather bored too, he decided to sing a song.

"Forever are these lyrics,

forever is this song.

Forever I will sing it.

And on and on and on."

He repeated this again and again until Thorin was so pissed off that he started to yell and run in circles.

"SHUT UP!" Roared Thorin. This was stupid, as there happened to be trolls in the vicinity. The trolls heard them and growled and came up. Luckily, just then Gandalf appeared and (unlike he did in the book) hit the trolls on the head with a giant bowling ball! YAY GANDALF!

"Thanks, Gandalf!" Cried Bilbo.

"Ey, it's nothin', man." Gandalf said. Bilbo inched away slightly. Then my friend Ronhang walked up randomly, said hello and went away.

"That was odd." Said Bilbo, commenting on the large black wolf named Ronhang who'd just said hello. Then they went on.

"The Misty Mountains…" Said Thorin Brokenshield.

"BIG." Sated Bilbo, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"The home of the Great Goblin." Thorin said.

"FREAKING BIG." Bilbo said again.

"A dangerous place indeed." Thorin continued.

"OH MY FREAKING GOSH THEY'RE BIG." Bilbo said, straight to the point.

"Yes, Mr. Baggins. Very big." Thorin agreed. Being stupid, they walked right in the front door. Bilbo disagreed but heck; no one cares about his opinion anyways. Soon they were being chased by goblins. The dwarves and Bilbo were chained up and brought before the Great Goblin, and his guard named Henry.

What are you doing in our mountains?" Asked Henry the Goblin.

"That's none of your business!" Cried one of the dwarves. Then, Henry ate him. OH NO! There's 13 of them now! WHAT WILL THEY DO! (Hint hint)

"You just ate Gloin!" cried Thorin. (NOTE: Gloin is Gimmlie's father, so the entire Fellowship would have failed and frozen to death in the mountains if Gloin died, because Gimmlie was the one who suggested going through Moria. Therefore, the Ring was never destroyed, as Frodo froze to death! So them Gollum who'd been following them came and took the Ring and had it forever. Yay! HAPPY ENDINGS FOR ALL! Well…not all. But the Ring wasn't destroyed. The race of Men were all killed. Sauron wins. HAHA! They suck! Aren't I evil?)

Anyways.

"Hey look! Sword says OrcCrist, the Goblin-Cleaver!" Henry cried suddenly, pointing to Thorin's sword. The Great Goblin was quite angry, and rushed over. Luckily Gandalf came. He had his trusty Flower-Lea sword…wow, that's odd…called GlamDring, the Foe-Flower! So the Great Goblin turned into a rose bush and exploded. Yay! Explosions! Then as they were running, Bilbo tripped clumsily and fell down, down into a dark, wet cavern down below…Don't I sound serious, eh? Yess…And then there was a menacing hiss, Bilbo turned and his eyes widened…and…And you'll just have to wait. The end. Review. REVIEW. REEEEEVIEEEEW. Review or Bilbo dies! MWAH!


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